I got a few moments to post my thoughts of 2012. I usually do a month by month wrap-up, but I am going to be real here…too much crazy to put in to one post. So, what I will contemplate on is the very last day of 2012.
I never thought this New Year’s Eve would actually come. As you guys might have inferred from my post on 12/21, I thought the world was going to end a few days ago. Well, that didn’t happen, much to my joy and chagrin for ever believing that crap.
I wrote this post exactly one year ago to the day:
2011 was my growing up year…I was destructive, impulsive, and childish most of it. I am lucky to have made it out with friends and relationship intact for the most part. I did what I wanted, and sometimes didn’t really want, just giving it a try really just for the sake of trying something new.
And I have hurt some people this year. Some knowingly, some unknowingly. For those I have unknowingly hurt and are still around I’m sorry I will do better next time. For the few I knowingly hurt, you know I’m sorry and there’s nothing that can really be done to remedy what I have broken. But I am here and I am open to the possibility of not being an idiot this year.
I trusted people I shouldn’t have trusted. Which resulted in some great stories. I learned that sometimes secrets should be kept to yourself, because word will get around fast and change up as it goes. This pertains to me as well as the rumors I have heard over the past year. That’s another thing. Screw the rumors. This whole he said/she said…you weren’t there. People make mistakes and that is their own thing. And this isn’t even about me, it’s about the friends that were hurt by all the stuff flying around about them. Meh, meh, meh. That’s one thing: I will refuse to take part in “guess what I heard about so and so…” Resolution made. And I will stand by my friends no matter what is said. And take a breath…
2011 I think was the year I made all the mistakes I needed to make to grow up.
So 2012, I am going to think before I speak or act. I am going to consider the possibilities and I am going to weigh the consequences as opposed to the reward. A lot of my friends are growing up, getting married, having babies. I am not necessarily ready for all that just yet.
But geez, I’m almost 24 years old…I think I need to put my big girl panties on and start acting a little more my age and take responsibility for myself and my actions towards the people in my life.
A lot has changed since then. I did realize that the rumor mill mess got to me and I had to bail. No hard feelings now, but I am a stronger, braver person for stepping out and saying “no more.” Sometimes the hardest thing to do is stand up to the people you loved, still love. I can’t go back on anything that was said or done but I hope every day is good for them. And as it is, I miss them every day.
I began 2012 laying on my couch like every other person was that day…with a hangover. I was alone and miserable right after my little sister left from the lively festivities the night before. I remember wanting to go for a run to get rid of the nausea, and I strapped on my running shoes, resolving to exercise more this year. I am happy to say I think I maintained a healthy lifestyle? Yes, with a question mark. I exercise, but I have been doing what my mom calls the “bad thing”: smoking. I haven’t gotten to the point yet where I want to quit (despite a smoke free week due to the flu) but I also don’t force myself to smoke if I am not feeling it. So, there’s balance there.
As I ran through the park, I kept imagining what it would be like to run into my “ex friend” who I had a falling out with the week before. I missed this person and wanted more than anything to have that friend back in my life. But there is a theory that no one is actually smart until 25. Thank God that the grey matter is almost finished developing. Let’s hope that I am not permanently stuck in stupid. Well, that friend would not leave me alone. He wouldn’t give up talking to me, wanting me around, and, as much as I fought it and told him I didn’t want him around, I look at this wonderful person I have in my life now and I am so excited to ring in the New Year with him.
I am so blessed with many friends, old and new. The old ones never really left but when they came back, they were there with the strength to get me going and the unconditional love I needed to remember that not everyone is out to get a piece of me. Terri and Anna, you guys have been so amazing to me. I don’t think I could ask for more steadfast friends than you two. My new friends came so easy to me, but I trust them with my pain, my happiness, and my stupid. No judging, but plenty of insight. You all helped me grow.
I could go into everything I achieved this year, and everything I hope to achieve next year. The best I can say is:
I hope to be just as healthy as I am today, just as happy as I will be tonight, even more in love than when I kissed him goodbye, and just financially successful enough to keep my house and have my cat fed.
Happy New Year everyone!